Self-Gaslighting: When You Become Your Own Worst Enemy
Introduction
Gaslighting is often discussed in the context of toxic relationships, where one person manipulates another into doubting their perceptions, memories, or feelings. But what happens when you gaslight yourself?
Self-gaslighting occurs when you dismiss or undermine your own thoughts, emotions, and experiences, often as a result of past trauma, societal conditioning, or low self-esteem. It’s an internalized form of invalidation that can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, and emotional distress.
In this post, we’ll explore what self-gaslighting looks like, why it happens, and how you can break free from this harmful cycle.
What Is Self-Gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting happens when you constantly question your own emotions, dismiss your struggles, or convince yourself that your feelings aren’t valid. You might think:
"I’m probably just overreacting."
"It wasn’t that bad… I should just move on."
"I have no reason to feel this way; other people have it worse."
"Maybe I’m just being too sensitive."
These thoughts may seem harmless, but over time, they erode self-trust and make it difficult to recognize and honor your own experiences.
Signs of Self-Gaslighting
Self-gaslighting can manifest in various ways, including:
Dismissing Your Emotions
You tell yourself your feelings aren’t valid or that you’re being "too emotional" rather than acknowledging your emotions as real and worthy of attention.
Minimizing Your Struggles
You compare your hardships to others and convince yourself that you shouldn’t be struggling because someone else has it worse.
Rewriting Your Own Experiences
You doubt your own memories or convince yourself that something didn’t happen the way you initially thought, even when evidence suggests otherwise.
Taking Excessive Blame
You blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault, believing that if something went wrong, it must be due to your own shortcomings.
Struggling to Make Decisions
You second-guess yourself constantly, fearing that your instincts or judgments can’t be trusted.
Feeling Guilty for Setting Boundaries
You invalidate your own needs by thinking, "I shouldn’t be this upset," or "Maybe I’m being unreasonable," when trying to set healthy boundaries.
Why Do People Self-Gaslight?
Self-gaslighting often stems from:
Past Trauma: If you’ve been in relationships where your reality was frequently dismissed, you may have internalized the belief that your emotions are unreliable.
Childhood Conditioning: If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were invalidated (“You’re just being dramatic” or “That didn’t happen”), you might have learned to distrust your own emotions.
Perfectionism: If you hold yourself to impossible standards, you may dismiss struggles as “not real” problems because you believe you should be handling everything perfectly.
Societal Influences: Messages like “Stay positive!” or “Other people have it worse” can pressure people into suppressing their struggles instead of processing them.
The Mental Health Effects of Self-Gaslighting
Constantly invalidating your own experiences can have serious mental health consequences, including:
Increased Anxiety & Depression: Doubting yourself can lead to chronic stress and emotional exhaustion.
Low Self-Esteem: If you never trust your own judgment, it becomes difficult to develop self-confidence.
Emotional Numbness: Over time, suppressing your emotions can cause you to feel disconnected from yourself.
Difficulty in Relationships: If you struggle to validate your own feelings, you may also struggle to express your needs to others.
How to Stop Self-Gaslighting
The good news? You can break free from the cycle of self-gaslighting by:
Recognizing When You’re Doing It
Start paying attention to your inner dialogue. If you catch yourself invalidating your feelings, ask: Would I say this to a friend? If not, why say it to yourself?
Practicing Self-Validation
Give yourself permission to feel your emotions without judgment. Instead of saying, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try “It’s okay to feel this. My emotions are valid.”
Challenging Negative Thoughts
When you doubt yourself, ask: Is this thought based on fact or fear? Try to separate irrational self-doubt from reality.
Reframing Your Self-Talk
Turn self-criticism into self-compassion. Instead of, “I’m being too sensitive,” try, “My feelings are real, and I deserve to acknowledge them.”
Seeking External Validation (in Healthy Ways)
Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can help you gain perspective and validate your experiences.
Practicing Mindfulness
Mindfulness helps you stay present and connect with your emotions without dismissing them. Try journaling, meditation, or deep breathing exercises to cultivate self-awareness.
Final Thoughts
Self-gaslighting is a silent but damaging form of self-sabotage. When you constantly dismiss your emotions and experiences, you rob yourself of self-trust and inner peace.
The path to healing begins with self-awareness, self-validation, and self-compassion. Remember, your feelings and experiences are real, and you deserve to honor them.
If you struggle with self-gaslighting, Desert Willow Behavioral Health can help. Our integrative psychiatry approach offers tools to help you reconnect with your emotions and build self-trust.
